The answer
by Aurore-e
Summary: She could not voice her love so she did the only thing she felt comfortable with. She took two steps backward and turned around.


Disclaimer: you all know they don't belong to me…

Review and feedback: Oh yes please… let me know if you liked it (or hated it…)

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**The answer…**

It was always worst at night when she was lying alone in her bed. Without anybody around she did not feel the need to hide her pain and worries, the need to be strong for the others. The mask of happiness she harboured would slide revealing deep wounds and scars. She would lay down closely pressed in the silky softness of her pillows engulfed in a maelstrom of emotions that were not hers, caught in a spiral madly spinning out of control. Darkness enclosing her, crushing all hopes to escape no matter what she did. Sometimes, the height and intensity of feelings so strong and overwhelming it would give her vertigo. Other times, it was like a bright fire consuming her, body and soul leaving her feverish in the morning unable to focus on her own life and emotions.

Emma would spend every restless night on the platform over the pond meditating, reading or simply waiting for hours to flow and a new day to break. Sure there were nights when she was able to sleep peacefully and even dream but it was so rare; usually she would end up in her bed at three or four in the morning too exhausted to think or feel something anymore. The young psionic would succumb to a dreamless slumber where she could finally find a semblance of rest.

The first time Brennan found her watching flowing water he dared not disturb her. She was sitting on the ground, hugging her knees, her chin resting on them. Her eyes held such sadness and melancholy, he felt an invisible hand crushing his heart, nearly restricting his respiration. Backing off of the emotional outburst, his back connected with a nearby wall and he sank to the floor mimicking her position. Everything about her stance and look made him stay in the hall, raising his protectiveness of her to a new level. He sat in the darkened hall watching over her, silently sharing her turmoil as if his presence could chase away her phantoms.

The following morning she was smiling and joking with Shalimar as if nothing had happened. Her mask was back firmly in place, the illusion always nearly perfect. The only thing betraying her, were her eyes. Day after day, they were losing a little bit of the tiny spark that was brightening his days, warming his soul. He talked to no one about it. He respected her need to be left alone, to deal with her own anguish. But it ripped his heart apart to see her suffering alone when he should have been able to help her.

So he became her silent guardian angel, a nocturnal shadow amongst others. Watching her at night became some sort of ritual. His sleeping habits matched hers so closely he wondered why nobody remarked it. Night after night, he would sit on the ground in a secluded area, his perception of her evolving, granting him new depths on her emotions and character. Somehow along that path while sitting on that cold hard floor, his feelings toward her changed, reaching parts of his soul and heart he had believed long ago dead.

If she knew about his presence she never mentioned it. During the day she would be friendly toward him but she still kept her distance, never acting differently. However, sometimes he could feel her watching him, a tiny knowing smile playing on her lips.

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The helix had landed smoothly with a muffled sound. Only the usual safety they felt after landing was missing. They had barely escaped alive from one of Gabriel's trap and the blow to their self-confidence had felt like a very cold shower. Jesse and Shalimar had rushed to the dojo leaving a dazed Emma in the Helix. Brennan had stayed with her a few moments unsure if he should talk to her or leave. He had gotten up and gently squeezed her shoulder in a vain attempt to comfort her. But the young woman had sat lost in her inner world, unable to move for a long time.

After having cooled off everyone had retreated to their bedrooms, needing time alone to ponder on their defeat. Emma had tried to stay confined in her own space reading or meditating, but the silent turmoil and screams from her friends, the guilt and the loneliness, the ever-present loneliness had been too overwhelming.

So like every restless night, Emma was standing over the platform her tears silently running down her cheeks. She had tried to stop them but it had been useless. One tear after another would slide down draining her strength, her hopes, her will to fight. Her heart was over flooded with emotions, yet so empty. If only those feelings were hers, she would feel human, alive.

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As the elemental stepped in the hallway he felt anger, sorrow and a blinding loneliness assaulting his heart, radiating from her in nearly tangible waves. With passing time, it had become more difficult not to go and hold her in his arms, comfort her. It was especially harder when he could feel her sadness. His heart took the decision his mind could not allow; watching her drowning in her own feelings one more night was out of question.

"Emma sweetheart?"

The young woman quickly wiped the tears from her cheeks not wanting any of her friends to see her so helpless. She already had too much to deal with; she didn't need their pity, especially not his.

"Don't worry Brennan, everything is ok. I'm just… feeling blue."

The pained look she harboured contradicted completely her words, leaving her even more exposed, vulnerable. It took him a few steps and she felt his strong arms enclosing her in a warm, protective cocoon. She returned his embrace with all her strength, clinging to him as if her life depended on it.

"It's ok Emma. You don't have to hold back."

Common simple words, yet so powerful they granted her the freedom to admit her weaknesses, her fears. The moment they left his mouth, she started sobbing uncontrollably, unable to hide any longer. One of his hand started caressing her hair in a soothing gesture. In the meantime, he was whispering little non-senses, mixed with poetry, his voice lulling her to calmness.

The wet patch created by her tears on his shirt felt cold, trapping his heart in ice, seeping quickly through his veins, chilling him to the bones. Her loneliness felt like death. The elemental breathed deeply realizing for the first time how it really felt.

"Brennan, please tell me that everything's gonna be alright, even if it's a lie."

The despair in her voice made him falter. He couldn't and didn't want to deny her this.

"Everything's going to be alright honey."

His words warmed her soul, giving her bruised heart shelter. She knew he truly believed his words; they were genuine and gave her something to hold on to. Brennan felt her sorrow shift toward a warm peaceful feeling slowly engulfing them. The ice surrounding his heart melted and a word came to his mind. Finally he had come home. In that instant he knew that their friendship had changed.

"Come on Emma, put something warm on. I know exactly what we both need."

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As Brennan and Emma stepped out of Sanctuary, they were hit by the coldness of the night and falling snowflakes. The young woman shivered and put her gloves on. Going outside for a walk in the middle of a winter night was not exactly her idea of fun. Yet, she trusted her friend, sometimes his ideas were weird but he knew how to comfort her, how to make her feel better.

The elemental smiled down at her and tied a wool scarf around her neck making sure she would be warm enough. Any other night she would have told him she was old enough to take care of herself. But tonight, his gesture touched her. Gently he took her hand leading her. They walked in silence to a clearing near the lake and stopped. For what he had in mind, it was the perfect spot.

Lights coming from the nearby city were giving the sky a warm orange glow that remembered her of happier times when she was still a child. Everything was so easier then, she did not feel responsible for the world's misery. She was too caught up in her memories to notice Brennan scooping up some snow.

The snowball hit her shoulder and she let out a surprised yell. They began chasing each other in the clearing, around the trees throwing snowballs. After a few minutes of fight, they stopped face to face, out of breath. Before she had the time to react or form a snowball, he launched himself on her. The young woman fell to the ground softly laughing.

"Hey, that's not part of the plan…"

His smile widened and snow was shoved in her collar touching bare skin. Her yell resonated in the night sky making him laugh in return. Emma trashed under him trying to wipe his face with snow. The ensuing battle left them laughing to tears and drenched. Brennan collapsed beside her on the snow-covered ground happily sighing. Their earlier worry had dissolved with the falling snowflakes. He lightly turned to look at Emma. She was playing with snow completely enthralled by the frozen water.

"Thanks Brennan. I'm so grateful you didn't stay in the hall just like the other nights."

She turned her head to look at him and their eyes locked. So she knew about his presence and she had not shut him off, she had shared her fears, her weaknesses. It was one amazing gift and he valued it as one precious gem.

"I'll always be there for you Emma."

The intensity of his stare became so strong, overloaded with emotions that she had to escape it. The young woman knew he would be there for her; she had no doubt about it, she just wished it was much more than just friendship. She pondered on the thought for a few seconds wondering if she really wanted more; if it was not an attempt to get away from her own life. But the coldness of the snow-covered ground called her back to reality and it was not the most enjoyable thing.

"Brennan, not that I mind being there with you… but I'm freezing."

The young man laughed and quickly got up. With a smile he helped her up, holding her gloved hands.

"Don't want you to catch a cold."

He paused, tenderly wiping the remaining snow from her hair and then securely tied the scarf back. The little spark was back in her eyes, burning, reverberating in his soul. It amazed him how her smile could make his world brighter.

"Cause tomorrow afternoon we are going to buy the Christmas tree."

Emma threw her arms around his neck happily yelling. With the event of the day she had completely forgotten about Christmas. Carried away by her enthusiasm she quickly kissed him. Before he had the time to react, she had entwined her hand with his and was making her way back to sanctuary, nearly dragging him.

"I can't wait for tomorrow."

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The couple went from tree to tree, examining them carefully. Each time Brennan was pointing out at a peculiar tree, Emma would just raise her eyebrows and shake her head or mutter something under her breath. The elemental would then turn his head to the unlucky salesman following them and smile apologetically. The young psionic seemed to be following standards evident only to her, dismissing tree after tree.

Yesterday night, the idea of Christmas tree shopping with Emma had seemed a good one; now he didn't feel so sure anymore. They had been sailing through rows of Nordman fir tree, silver tree for the last hour in vain and he started to feel utterly discouraged.

"This one!"

Her exclamation startled him. But it was nothing compared to the surprise he felt upon seeing the tree. It was not big; it was huge, a monster… taller than himself, perfectly cone-shaped with a deep shade of green. But how was he supposed to put it on the car or even carry it? Then he saw her smile and the monster became something rare and precious, something that gave her a dreamy smile.

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Shalimar and Brennan walked down the hall in search for Emma. Maybe she would need their help to decorate the Christmas tree. Hearing the young psionic softly humming, they stopped near the entrance of the living area. In a retired corner, near the monster the young psionic was hanging colourful decorations on the tree. Boxes were strewn on the floor, the couch, the armchairs. The feral stole a glance at her friend. Brennan was leaning against the wall his arms crossed on his chest, his eyes glued on Emma. The dynamic between the two had gradually changed during the last few months and she sometimes had wondered if they had realized how obvious they were.

"What do you see when you look at her?"

Brennan turned his head to look at Shalimar but his stare soon found its way back to the lovely woman digging in boxes.

"Emma is a living paradox. Watching her is like staring at an atom with a magnification lens. It resembles the universe and yet it is so tiny. It's full of dark places and bright stars you're drawn to."

He paused unsure how to clearly make his point. There were no words to truthfully convey what it was like. Words felt useless and vain when it came to Emma. When you were close to her the only thing you could do was feeling. The young feral watched him with a sceptical expression and then smiled knowingly.

"I'm not making any sense to you?"

"Not the way you think Bren. But yes, you're making sense."

"I'll better go and help Emma. And you my dear Shal go and convince Jesse to get out of his room and help us decorating the halls and the kitchen."

Shalimar chuckled seeing his expression.

"Yeah, I'll do that"

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Without a noise Brennan got closer to Emma who had still her back to him. On his way he picked up a small red glass fir cone. He stopped mere inches form her and put his left hand on her shoulder.

"Where do you want to put this one?"

Emma watched the decoration resting in his hand and wondered how he had found out she wanted exactly that one.

"I don't know, let me think…"

The elemental took two steps back, holding the decoration out of her reach, a mischievous smile playing on his lips.

"You really want it?"

Emma turned her head and flashed him an annoyed grin. He was supposed to help her not to play with the decorations. _'What are you up to this time?'_

"Bren!"

"Come and get it Em."

Emma turned around fully and tried to take the ball but Brennan kept it out of her reach chuckling. Quickly he put it behind his back so that she had to put her arms around his waist to get it. Still her arms were too short. She got closer invading his private space, causing the elemental to hold his breath for a few seconds. The young woman felt him getting nervous and wondered. Maybe there was a little more to his protectiveness than just brotherly love. _'Don't raise your hopes up too high. The downfall might be too rough.'_

Despite her doubts, Emma splayed one of her hand in the small of his back and tilted her head to the right teasingly smiling. If he wanted to play she was not one to decline a challenge.

"What do you want for that decoration?"

His breathing got heavier. He could think of a few things he wanted from her right now. The memory of the kiss she had given him last night resurfaced. It had been innocent; then why did it make him want so much more. Abruptly he put the brakes on realizing that he was thinking of Emma. Thought the idea felt alien, it sounded not all too unpleasant. Maybe he could play along and see how far she would go; after all, it was just some kind of game.

"Well, I don't know… what are you ready to offer"

The young woman smiled and started rubbing lazy circle on his back making him shiver slightly. He let go of the glass ball and it fell to the ground with a muffled sound. One of his arms found its way around her waist bringing her even closer. They locked eyes and the playfulness of the last minute was forgotten. Suddenly, their conversation became a big deal for both of them. Her heart got overloaded with past unsuccessful experiences, fear of rejection; each feeling fuelled the other, building her anguish even higher. The rational part of her mind was telling her she could trust him.

"It's not about what I'm ready to offer Brennan."

He brought their forehead together as if he could physically link their minds. Her fear was palpable and he wished he could make it go away.

"Emma, what are you afraid of? Are you afraid of me?"

"I'm not afraid of you. I…"

She paused unsure how to go on. She had to deal with other people's emotions every minute of every day; yet she was helpless when it came down to her own feelings. _'I'm afraid of myself, of letting myself love and lose you.'_ The thought had come unbidden to her mind, a truth, a part of her truth. She could not voice it so she did the only thing she felt comfortable with. She took two steps backward and turned around.

Brennan watched her retreating back in her shell. A low sigh escaped his lips as he picked up another decoration and handed it to her. She avoided his stare and when their hands brushed she hastily got back to the Christmas tree.

He could not let her go like that. He wanted to be there with her, share her pain and her joy. _'Shit Emma, why can't you understand that I'm in…'_ His mind did a 360 degrees turn around leaving him dizzy. Without second thoughts, he went behind her and hugged her. Startled Emma let the glass figurine she was holding crash down on the floor. _'No turning back Mulwray, this is your only chance._' Gently he kissed her temple and murmured in her hear.

"Emma. I care too much to let you down. Let me be there for you. Let me love you."

The young psionic closed her eyes in a vain attempt to fight back the tears. She had waited, prayed he would feel something for her. The first time she had seen him in that bar something had snapped inside of her. From that moment everything had changed. Every feeling, every colour, every sound felt different. She could be her true self with him. Fighting her feelings for him was a difficult battle, a daily challenge that only added to the torment. But what would happen if he realized, she was not the one he really wanted.

Her lack of response and stiffness frightened him. Carefully he made her turn around. Her eyes were closed and a single tear was running down her cheek. Brennan wiped it with his thumb. She didn't believe him or worse, she didn't feel the same way. With one hand he lifted her head. But she kept her eyes tightly shut. How could he convince her he was sincere? No words would convey what he felt. Time stretched as he tried to find how to react.

She felt his lips softly brushing her cheeks and her eyes opened only to find him staring at her. His brown orbs held such love that she could no longer doubt his feelings. It was there, flowing through her heart steadily filling her soul, giving her the sensation to be alive.

"Brennan I…"

Before she had the time to form a sentence, his lips were on hers, soft and so warm. A passion he didn't know he possessed, roared through his body. And their kiss became hungry, urgent. When they broke the kiss Emma kept her eyes closed basking in the lingering sensations. Love… felt so warm. She needed to tell him, to make him understand what he had given her.

"Brennan I… I love you. And you just gave me the most wonderful gift I could have asked for, love."

The elemental smiled and held her more tightly. She was not the only one to have received a wonderful present.

"Merry Christmas Emma."

**The end. **

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A.N.: The title of the story is also the title of a wonderful song by from Sarah McLachlan.

I will be the answer at the end of the line

I will be there for you while you take the time

In the burning of uncertainty I will be your solid ground

I will hold the balance if you can't look down

If it takes my whole life I won't break I won't bend

It'll all be worth it worth it in the end

Cause I can only tell you what I know

That I need you in my life

When the stars have all gone out

You'll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently into morning

For the night has been unkind

Take me to a place so holy

That I can wash this from my mind

The memory of choosing not to fight


End file.
